Let’s Catch Up!

It’s been way too long since I’ve posted on this blog…I guess I wasn’t lying when I started this space and said I would be posting randomly without putting too much pressure on myself! :) That being said, I haven’t been true to my word about sharing the GREY areas - the good, the bad, and the ugly, so I feel like I owe y’all an update.

To be honest, looking back, this year has been a whirlwind in the BEST way…but it wasn’t all good by any means. I think my mindset changed around mid-summer (ironically enough, when my last blog post was shared) and I pivoted from feeling the need to share every single moment online to truly being in and treasuring the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I still love sharing my life on social media, but I feel like I’ve made a positive change this year in terms of being more intentional with my time and efforts. It’s a refreshing feeling.

Over the last few months, we completed another incredible concert season (Go Braxton!), I prioritized my mental health (Go me!), our family and friends spent quality time together, we continued traveling and making memories, we got a personal trainer to help us focus on our physical health, and we truly just had a GOOD time. I was actually working on an “end of the year” Instagram reel this morning and seeing all the videos I took in the happiest moments of 2023 brought back so many memories.

I want to take the opportunity to talk a little bit about my mental health journey, because I feel like it’s a big reason why I feel like 2023 has been one of the most challenging, yet best years of my life. I’ll just dive right into it: I noticed I was struggling with anxiety and possibly depression around November/December of 2022. BUT, I didn’t know that that’s what it was until about halfway through this year…or maybe I didn’t want to admit to myself that that’s what it was. I couldn’t focus, worried about everything, had intrusive thoughts and nightmares about myself and my loved ones being hurt, felt like I wasn’t wanted in any environment, had panic attacks where my heart was racing and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, started arguments with my husband for literally no reason, couldn’t sleep at night and then couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, and overall just wasn’t myself. However, I didn’t want to tell anyone about these thoughts and feelings because I thought I was just weird and honestly, I felt crazy. I tried to “suck it up” and just go through the motions, hoping every day that something would click and I would be “fixed.” There are some darker pieces to this story, but I’ll keep it short for the purposes of this blog…but if you want to talk more deeply, know I’m always here to listen and share my heart.

Anyway, I kept all of these scary feelings and thoughts bottled up for almost an entire year until I felt like I was at my breaking point. I remember driving somewhere in the middle of the day sometime in September to run an errand and I just felt like the whole world was on my shoulders…I was crying (for reasons I still can’t figure out), I kept imagining the absolute worst things happening to myself and my family members, I felt disconnected from my friends, I never wanted to leave my house, and I finally texted my mom, inviting her in when I was having one of my scary thoughts. She listened, immediately understood, and helped me book a doctor’s appointment and honestly, it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. Don’t get me wrong, it was a journey, but it literally feels like my life flipped a switch once I asked for help.

I’ve been on medication for depression & anxiety for a few months now and, despite my disdain for taking medication, I feel like I can breathe again. I think that little blue pill that I take every day truly saved my life. I no longer worry for hours on end about things out of my control. My marriage is the healthiest and happiest it’s ever been. I don’t dread getting out of bed in the morning. I feel like I have the absolute best relationships with my family and friends. I finally understand that sometimes, your body and your brain do weird things and IT’S OK TO ASK FOR HELP. It’s ok not to be ok. I honestly never thought I’d be someone who struggled with mental health but I do, and I realize that it’s not something “crazy” or “abnormal” — I’ve gained a lot of empathy from going through this dark struggle and I definitely want to encourage anyone else with odd feelings to tell someone, book a doctor’s appointment, and just let it all out, no matter how scary it feels. It’s the most freeing thing I ever did for myself and I know I’m a better wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend, and human, because I dropped my pride and decided to ask for help.

Another lesson I hope this short version of my story provides is that what you see online is soooooo not what you get in real life. If you scrolled through my Instagram or TikTok from the past year, you would never know I was at the darkest place I’ve ever been in some of those photos and videos. You’d never know the nights I spent crying myself to sleep wondering what was wrong with me… I’ve said it before and I’ll continue saying it: Social Media is a highlight reel. Never compare yourself to something you see online because it is NOT the full story. I’m living proof of this.

I’m grateful to have conquered this battle, but I know it isn’t as simple as seeing a doctor and taking medication for everyone. It’s a journey that I still struggle with, and I know others have it way tougher. I’ve learned a lot about mental health over the last few months, and now I have such a greater appreciation for caring medical professionals and friends/family that will listen with loving hearts. If you take anything away from this blog (other than the fact that woooooo girl I’ve been through it this year LOL), I hope it’s that YOU MATTER, YOU ARE WANTED, and you are NOT crazy for feeling or thinking different or scary thoughts.

I’m trying to hold myself accountable for sharing more of my “real” and not just the butterflies & rainbows. But at the same time, I’m going to hold myself accountable for celebrating how far I’ve already come and the silent battles I’ve fought and won.

I’ll end this little “catch up” with an excerpt I found and shared on Instagram yesterday, because it perfectly encompasses how I feel at the end of this crazy, beautiful year, and how I’m approaching the year ahead:

“This year I’m not doing New Year’s resolutions.

Instead, I’m acknowledging all the things that I have already gone through, that I have already accomplished. And no, I don’t mean the type of accomplishments that everyone else could see. I mean the ones that only I could ever know were actually a mountain for me to climb. The moments where I softened in places I would usually stay tense. The moments where I said no where I’d usually force myself to say yes. The moments where I’d say how I felt instead of make myself small. The moments I gave myself permission to not have to do it all.

The moments where I actually rested. The moments where I was present with things that brought my joy. The moments where I took the leap, even when I wasn’t fully confident. The moments where I didn’t shame myself for how I felt. The moments where for once I had compassion for myself.

This year, I’m reflecting on the little moments where I experienced something a little different. Something the eyes couldn’t see, but something that was still big for me.” -@lexyflorentina

Love y’all. -Grey